Running away from, or running towards?

I’m flying over US territory, somewhere in between NY and Houston, the two intermediary stops in my 22 hour-long Lisbon – Guatemala City marathon. After the flight to New York, where every passenger had three seats to enjoy all by themselves (yeah, a business class bed for the price of economy!), I’m now stuck to a tiny little place in a bloody crowded plane.

I’m thinking again of the question that has been bugging my mind for the last few weeks: what am I running away from?

When asked this by a very good, sweet and wise lady, I didn’t find the line of thought to answer her immediately, so I joked around a bit to gain time and deflate the question. The truth is that I felt somehow uncomfortable, so avoided thinking of an answer. I got the feeling someone had just pointed out really well the way I had been feeling in the last few months.

I’m leaving a lot behind during these travel months. A lot more has been locked away in the souvenir drawer and photo album – either in London, in Lisbon, or elsewhere. “Para mais tarde recordar”, as the TV ad used to say in Portugal. But I have to say that the decision to put my life in a bag for half-a-year or so, and go after some of my deepest and not so exploited passions – travel, development work, teaching, creative expression – was driven by a very strong (almost violent) fear to regret later on not having done so.

So, I guess I’m running away from a future image of me as an old man, looking back at my memories with a “closed for balance” kind of mindset, and regretting not having pursued those passions when the conditions to do so were created: I changed country, I became free of any contracts or obligations, I changed life. Or at least I became ready to do so.

Yep – fear of regretting not having pressed the trigger when I could have done so. That’s what I’m running away from. And that’s why I pressed the trigger.

One could argue I’m not running away from anything; I’m instead running towards something. Towards experimenting with my passions. Towards finding what I’m looking for.

That’s the way I think indeed. I mean, that’s what I’m doing at the end of the day, right? But I guess in those brief moments of doubt – and sometimes panic – when I ask myself “what the hell am I doing with my life by doing this?!?” it is not the rationalisation of what I’m walking towards that peaces my mind and makes me keep walking ahead; it is the rather strong emotional desire of not wanting to regret later on.

Is there any difference? Doing something because you want to, and doing it because you don’t want to regret not doing so?

I don’t know. I know that one thought is setting my course of action. The other is giving me the guts to keep walking that walk.

I guess that’s all I need to know at the moment…
Laters, g.